2013 Reflection

I've had a lot of alone time to think lately - historically this was never a good thing, but in recent years, a "thinking" Josie is not necessary a sad one. Given the circumstances of this isolation - my beloved PJ is dying - I have spent a lot of this time thinking about the little gray kitty snuggling next to me and the enormous impact he has had on my life, as well as the void that will be left when he finally breathes his last...but I have also spent a significant chunk of time reflecting on the past year of my life. It. has. been. epic. Epic in all aspects of the word - epically happy, epically sad, epically magnificent and epically difficult. In honor of 2013, here are 2,013 of my most memorable moments from the year. Ha. Just kidding...how about highlights (and lowlights) from each month instead?

1. January 2013. I turned 30.

My wonderful, amazing, beautiful, incredible friends (Nicole, Karolina, Shannon and Erin) threw me a huge party - complete with Ulta make-overs, dinner at Rounders, karaoke at the Moose, a plethora of alcohol (which then led to some barefootedness on a very cold night), a night at the City Centre hotel and Doritos...lots of them. We capped off the celebration by nearly dying while driving home in an ice storm the next day.

2. February 2013. Loss and Job Fair.

The community of Saint James, Trapshooters everywhere and an amazing family lost a great man when Ron Noren passed away on February 10th. Growing up, the Noren's were my surrogate family - they did so much for Tess and I - especially after our parents divorced. Even in my adult life, I probably talked to and saw Ron more than my own dad - at least during Trapshooting season.  I can't imagine the loss felt by the Noren's - to lose someone so awesome so suddenly leaves a void that can never be filled. I know I have not fully accepted that he is gone. Angie, Jamie, Krista and Steve (and your ever-growing families) - please know that you are thought of and loved this holiday season!

On a much, much lighter note, on February 23rd (the anniversary of my mother's death), I went to a job fair in Denver, CO. It was my first real step in achieving 16-year-old Josie's dream of moving to Denver. And, to make a long story short, yes, it went well. I got a job.

3. March 2013. More Loss and Mayo.
On March 6th, I again was left to question how life makes any sense at all when another family friend, Denny Kaus, passed away suddenly. I had known Denny my entire life - he and my dad both worked at ST Industries when I was growing up. However, it wasn't until I was in high school that I really appreciated DK. As anyone who has ever played a sport at Saint James High School knows, Denny was your fan. If he wasn't working your event (line-judging, book-keeping, coaching, scoring), he was definitely somewhere in the stands - keeping stats for himself. In college, I still got to see Denny, because his youngest was a Gustie too - so I'd be sure to harass him every chance I got. Then as an adult, I got to be good friends with his oldest son - which meant I'd get to see Denny and catch up at birthday parties and baseball games. The devastation of his loss is still felt deeply by his family and all of the people who knew him - and Kaus's - I just want to thank you again for asking me to sing at his funeral. It was truly an honor.

  

Also in March, I spent a lot of time at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester because I was really sick.  The abbreviated version of my problem was every organ in my abdomen was inflamed - I felt like I was being constantly stabbed and internally set on fire at the same time (which hurts, by the way). Everything eventually turned out ok - and actually, I feel better now than I have in YEARS!  

4. April 2013. Grandma.

On April 24th, Grandma died. Which Grandma, you ask? My Grandma. The only one I ever knew. When I was little, I thought everyone only had one grandma. It wasn't until I was a little older and understood that my other grandma and grandpa had died before I was born (way, way, way before from a car accident in 1954) that I realized many kids get two grandmas - although some get zero, so I still felt lucky! In terms of loss, it was one of the least traumatic I've ever had to deal with. She was sick, she was old, she lived a great life and she was ready. However, that being said, it is always tough to lose someone who loves you unconditionally - especially someone as ever-present in my life as my Grandma. To summarize all that my Grandma meant to me would take more words than you have the patience to read right now (Kudos to you for making it this far!) - so just know this: Grandma made me feel like I was the smartest, bravest, most capable girl in the world - in my Grandma's eyes, there was nothing I couldn't do. The world is a little bit lonelier without her in my corner.

5. May 2013. Goodbye STP.

On May 30th, I taught my last class at Saint Peter High School...and wow, did I cry! It capped off an amazing six-year career at a great school with some of the most FANTASTIC kids I have ever known. Seriously, STPers are amazing and every single one of them helped shape me into the teacher I am today. On May 31st, I was lucky enough to be the faculty speaker at the graduation ceremony...I was incredibly honored and humbled by the standing ovation, hugs and pictures that followed. Thank you, Saints, for continuing to include me in your life through messages, emails, texts, Facebook posts and visits!!!

6. June 2013. Goodbye MN.

Once again, my friends threw me an amazing party - this time of the "going-away" variety. Saying good-bye to them was so difficult, but knowing I had their support meant the world to me! The next Saturday, June 15th, was Move Day. Had my friend Nicole not been there, I don't think I would've ever made it out of Madelia. As much as I wanted to move to Denver, it took every ounce of strength I had to pull that moving van away from 102 West Main Street. Leaving Madelia meant leaving the person who knew (and probably still knows) me best, the person who loved me when I couldn't love myself and the person who helped me find, recognize and appreciate all the happiness and wonderfulness that is life. Chuck is the reason I am emotionally balanced today. He's the reason I will never spend another day of my life depressed. He's the reason I have the courage and strength to unapologetically be myself. I owe him everything - and yet, he wants nothing in return. He requires only that I live as full and happy of a life as humanly possible - so here I am, doing just that.  

7. July 2013. Visits and Visitors!

June wrapped up with me getting a visit from my cousin, Erin, and her family and having an awesome Estes Park adventure with them! I'm including that in July, because it set the stage for the craziness that was July! Tess came the last few days of June and stayed over the 4th of July - it was the beginning of her own quest to relocate to Denver - and the first time we realized we could spend eight days together without either of us becoming homicidal. In mid-July, I went home to tie up some loose ends in regards to Grandma and her belongings, as well spend some quality time with my Dad - because he was sad - and I haaaaaaaaate Sad Dad. Upon my return to Denver, Shannie came to stay with me for a long weekend. Holy Mackerel did we have fun! Late nights, long talks, shopping, hiking, dancing, and, um, drinking (just a 'lil) were just a few of the many things we accomplished while she was in town. 'Twas also the weekend the "fairytale" began...

8. August 2013. First Days of School.

I spent as much time as I could at Broncos Training Camp the first week of August! LOVED IT! On August 7th, I showed up at Venture Prep Middle School to begin two and a half weeks of professional development. However, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. On August 26th, the students, check that, the scholars, reported to school and so began the most difficult, patience-testing, confidence-shaking period of my teaching career. 96% of VP scholars live in poverty - and could've cared two licks about me and anything I had to teach them ...at least at first. The first month was a bit like being continuously hazed - but after I survived being pushed into lockers, tripped, shoved into desks, getting toe-stomped and various threats of bodily harm (I'm gonna punch your teeth in, I'm going to cut you, etc), I came to realize that VPMS is full of adolescents who have had their trust broken by almost every adult they've ever known and, therefore, do not trust easily. But once they do, they do so with an intensity and devotion I have never known. This, by no means, makes the days easy - they still test me every day; but now I realize their tests stem from insecurity, not from hatred.

9. September 2013. The End and Yellow Corvette

De and Beth were in town visiting Delight's sister over Labor Day weekend and I got to enjoy a night out on the town with them...and their visit came at just the right time! They were able to get my mind off some pretty crushing news in regards to my "fairytale." He was moving to Texas (which I knew)...the next day (which I mistakenly thought would happen in November)...sigh.

The second weekend of September, I flew to MN for Shannie's 30th Birthday (observed). Upon arriving at Budget Rental at MSP and hearing about my very short visit, the nice lady behind the counter asked if I'd like to upgrade my economy rental for free - I said sure...and drove out of the parking lot in a 2013 banana-yellow Corvette. Now, I say observed because in actuality, my dearest Shannie turned 31 this year (how is that even possible???) but because her real 30th birthday in 2012 was overshadowed by some pretty major life events for her - becoming a mom, her sister's wedding and some significant health issues, we decided to throw her "30th" birthday party this year. It was fantastically fun - and it was great to see so many of my favorite Minnesota girls.

10. October 2013. New Friends and Operation: Move Sister

The first weekend of October, I went to an Oktoberfest gathering at my friend Andy's house...now, this in itself is not that significant of a life event (no offense intended, Andy); however, it was where I met some amazing people for the first time; these fantastic folks have since become so intertwined in my life, I honestly don't know how I haven't known them for decades! I am so excited for all of the adventures we have planned! 

October 12th has to go down as one of the most exhausting and exhilarating days ever! On that day, I flew into Omaha, NE, where my sister picked me up on her way from Peoria, IL, to Denver...because she was finally MOVING back to DENVER! I took over driving duties from there - and at about 1am, Mountain Time, Tess, Sebastian, Gus (her two cats), and I rolled into the parking lot at Hampden Heights - her new digs. We unpacked her vehicle and have since spent a lot of time together - hauling couches, watching football, hanging out with our cousin and her family, going to Nuggets games, dancing, karaoke-ing, and just chilling. In some way it seems like we've always lived 10 minutes from each other... 

11. November 2013. SO What Brothers

In late October, Tess got me to audition for a band...I did and I got in! Dream come true!!! The first weekend of November I performed with my new band at Baker Street in Westminster; leading up to the shows, I was extremely petrified and excited. I wasn't sure if I'd pass out, throw up or start singing when the show started...luckily, the latter happened. I felt grossly unprepared, but regardless, the performances (or gigs...as real bands call them! AHHH! I'm in a real band! Sorry - that still gets me!) went pretty well and further cemented my love of performing! I respect my fellow bandmates and their commitment to their craft so much. Not only are they incredibly cool and fun people - they are an immensely talented bunch of individuals and inspire me to want to be a better all-around musician. I really look forward to what 2014 has in store for the SO What Brothers!

12. December 2013. PJ

He's been with me over half my life. He's my little kid, my child, my confidant, my snuggle-buddy, my friend; I swear he can read my mind. It's hard to picture my life without him...and yet, here I sit, stopping to type every few seconds to see if he's still breathing, knowing full well that our time remaining together can no longer be measured in years, months, weeks or even days...but in hours...This. Breaks. My. Heart.

Watching the fire fade from his eyes has been one of the hardest periods of my life. I know that sounds ridiculous to some of you. There are much greater losses in life than the loss of a cat. But PJ isn't just a cat - PJ is the greatest cat that has ever lived. I know some of you may argue this fact, because you whole-heartedly believe you have known or owned the greatest cat ever, but I must inform you...you are wrong.

He's the rock of my little cat family - he kept baby Avery alive when Avery was within an inch of his life and kept puking up every kitten mash I concocted, he'd sit by the window and cry until I'd feed Butter when she was just a little rascal living on the streets of Madelia and he snuggled Misiu when she was new to the family and recovering from mild hypothermia, a leg gash and having all of her fur singed off on one side. He has accepted and loved every random animal I have ever brought home - from turtles to squirrels, wood ducklings to cockatiels. He's never hissed at a human, or any other animal for that matter - not even at the bee that stung him and made his paw swell up to the size of a kiwi. He's hissed only once in his entire life, in 2005, when he injured his tail and had to have the tip amputated...then he didn't even hiss at the vet or me, but rather his own tail.

In his younger years, he was leash-trained, fetched sparkle balls and could jump from the floor to the top of a door. He spent the first two years of his life as a seeing-eye-kitty for my cat, Rossdale. The night Rozzie died, he woke me up with persistent meows and face slaps in attempts to tell me that something was wrong with his friend - I didn't understand until it was too late. He alerted my family to a carbon-monoxide leak after my dad unplugged the detector because he thought it was faulty...but PJ stayed in one spot (above the furnace) and cried until finally my dad relented and called the gas company - which confirmed what PJ had known all along - there was a deadly leak.  

He has been the comfort I seek when those I love have passed; he has been there for the crazy times, the sick times and the happy times. He has been my purring bucket of support for 15.5 years - ever since I begged my dad to let me bring him home - a scrawny little abandoned kitty I found in a trailer park with a small chip of his right ear missing. He talks when he meows - he carries on complete conversations. I know that sounds insane, so I won't try to justify it further for you skeptics out there, but it happens. He also is probably the only cat in the world that knows every lyric and every harmonizing part to "Hey Santa."

He has a million nicknames - but if I really want him to do something, I only have to say, "PJ" and give him the command...it gets done. His love of catnip rivals his love of me...in fact, there have been times when I bet he would've traded me for a bag of the good stuff. I'm kidding...but he definitely would've traded the cockatiels.

Even as life trickles away from him, he remains his unselfish, sweet self. I can't believe he has hung on as long as he has - still finding the energy to head butt and snuggle as much as he can. Part of me is angry with myself - had a I known a week ago he would've lived this long in this state, I would've had him put down. But, then the person who knows PJ, the person who has spent years with this brilliant being, knows that PJ has his reasons for sticking around. I may not know what they are, but that does not give me the right to steal his final moments from him. I know he'll go when he's ready - we've had talks about this. For now and forever, I am and will be grateful to this compassionate kitty who taught me so much about love and patience - and I'm grateful for every breath he decides to take, because it means I get to snuggle him for one second longer. When he finally does say good-bye, a piece of my heart will go with him, but the rest of it will stay here - better for having loved and been loved by PJ.